For a minute I wasn’t going to post this, but then I thought “Meh, Why not? It’s my blog” and then I did post it.

Madison! I have a question to pose to the world if only to get it out of my brain and into the open. Here it is: What would you do today if you knew 100% -let’s say God himself came down during your morning coffee- that when you went to sleep tonight you would not be waking up in the morning?

After mulling it over for the last couple of days I think I’ve come up with my “Top 10 Things I would do if I knew I was going to die at the end of the day” list.

1. Call my mom to let her know how much I appreciate her
2. Call my brother to let him know I’m very proud of him
3. I would go for a walk outside
4. I would do something nice for a stranger
5. I would definitely pray
6. I would find a way to hangout with each of my friends somehow
7. I would go to Galaxy Land to ride the roller coaster because I’ve never ridden one before
8. I would throw up from riding the roller coaster…
9. My last meal would be Schnitzel Eggs Benedict from Barb & Ernies and an XL Double Double from Tim Hortons (because I figure if you’re going to die anyways you don’t need to worry about what you’re eating)
10. I would watch “The Avengers” one last time because it was the greatest movie ever made

Sounds like a pretty good day don’t you think?

Allow me to give you some oft-quoted quotes:

Every man dies.  Not every man really lives.  – Braveheart

Dream as if you’ll live forever.  Live as if you’ll die today.  – James Dean

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count.  It’s the life in your years.  – Abraham Lincoln

All these quotes have to do with “Carpe Diem” or “seizing the day!” I’m willing to bet you know someone who might call one of those their motto or you’ve more than likely seen someone use one as their Facebook status ( …probably me), but do people ever really take these words to heart? No. Does it affect the way they live or even think about life beyond an hour? No. Why? I’m convinced that the only way to “seize the day” is to truly know it could be your last. To appreciate life you have to think about death, I think, but nobody does. We live like immortals and it leads to wasted days. I am probably more guilty than most.

After looking at my list I realized 7-10 would just be for kicks, they’re fun but not important, and would probably not be good to do on a regular basis. When it comes to my top 6 some of those things I do sporadically, some of those things I never do. Would life be better if I did? Maybe. Probably. I mean hanging out with people, spreading some love to others…That’s what Jesus did. That’s the good life, those would be meaningful days…I guess the real question now is can I change? Can I stop pretending I’m going to live forever and figure out what’s really important? Sure I can! God helping me and you can feel free to remind me from time to time. Please and thank you.

Today I’m getting Baptized. I want to Puke.

Hello Colin Stewart!!! How ARE you? I would like to point out that while you were away at NTC, I was doing all sorts of fun things.. Getting baptized? Not on my list of fun things to do. I signed up to get baptized out of pure obedience. Not for a fun time. And wow- these past few days have not been fun at all. I’m super smart, so I decided to get my pilates instructor certification training the exact same weekend that I was getting baptized. So, in addition to doing pilates for 21 hours this weekend, I’ve also dealt with anxiety, heavy oppression and a general feeling of uneasiness. Are there actually people out there who get excited about their baptism?

This morning I woke up way before my alarm (a common theme these past few days) drenched in sweat (also common) wondering what in the heck am I doing (again, common)…I paced around my condo for awhile. Then I looked outside and decided to run away my anxiety. Which actually worked out perfect because while running, a song came on which solidified my decision to get dunked today. It has been shared once or twice on this blog, but what is one more time? I figure we all need a little refresher now and then why we are following JC.

So, Colin Stewart. Even though I hate getting wet. I hate public displays of attention. Even though I will be rushing like a mad woman from my class to the church AND I feel ill. This is why I am being obedient and getting baptized. Because two years ago, God remembered about me (not like he ever forgot) and wouldn’t let me rest until I got my life back on track. Why do “this” if I’m not going to do it “balls to the wall” (so crude, I know). Because on a run in the Edmonton River Valley two years ago, this same song came on my ipod and I knew I had to make a change. And tonight, at 6pm, as with all things I do in obedience (generally unwillingly, grumpily and not cheerfully- just ask my mom) I will be getting baptized.

The Motions – Matthew West (I am posting the lyrics instead of the video, I feel like it makes more of a statement sometimes to read them rather than to listen to them)

This might hurt, it’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care if I break,
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
“What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?”

No regrets, not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

‘Cause I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
“What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?”

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (’cause I don’t wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I’m finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
“What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?”

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
“What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?”

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don’t wanna go through the motions

 

Also? Today is Mother’s Day, in case you forgot. I would just like to say, I have the best Mom ever. The best parents ever. My mom is my best friend, my prayer warrior, my counselor, my dairy free chocolate chip cookie baker….and she didn’t kill me from birth to age 23, which trust me, is a HUGE accomplishment. 

Homesick

Colin Stewart! I rather enjoyed your last blog post. Quite a bit. I’ll tell you my favorite part. In fact, I’ll quote you my favorite part.

“Madison, sometimes you can tell when people don’t believe in you even when they don’t say it and sometimes even you don’t believe in you, but in those moments all you need to do is believe in God and know that he believes in you, he is always with you and will always be there to rescue you. That’s really all that matters I think.”

That was the best blog post to wake up to this morning. I don’t think your “think” is really a “think” Colin.. I think that your “think” is a “know”. We believe in God, he is always with us and he will rescue us. I know this.You know this. I think this leads to my little post.

You see, lately I’ve been feeling homesick. Or like a yearning, or a sadness. It’s odd. I can’t really place it. Well, I couldn’t, until I was walking tonight. For awhile, I thought I was just homesick for Fai family time- which, let’s face it, I always kind of am. Because – they rock, they are my biggest cheerleaders and hanging out with them is a fun time, even if we do nothing – it’s fun. But, when I came home yesterday and felt this continued yearning, I realized what I’m yearning for.

I’m yearning for JC. I’m yearning for heaven. You see, it is easy to coast by in life most of the time. Most of the time, you can fill the empty space with people, with money, with jobs and accolades and TV and running (or is that just me?) etc. etc. But, sometimes it becomes apparent that all that we see, is just not good enough; when someone is dying, or an accident happens, or a young boy’s mom commits suicide and leaves him alone with no one, when friends disappoint, or the accolades stop, when our bodies fail us.

What then Colin? It’s these harsh realities that make me yearn for home. I want Jesus. Sometimes I feel like breadcrumbs are not enough, and I want to see more of the puzzle. I know we are just seeing through a glass darkly – but sometimes all I really, really want – is to see him face to face. Now. Just a glimpse. It reminds me of this worship song an old friend put on a CD for me, one of the lines read “show me your face Lord, show me your face, I can make it to the end – if I could just see your face.”

Today Colin Stewart, that is what I’m needing. I’m homesick. I’m yearning. I just want to see his face- just a little glimpse, just to get me by. I need a bit of heaven on earth.

Do-Be-Do-Be-Do…

Two Roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

Madison Fai. I’m sorry it has taken so long for me to get back on here.  Here’s a quick update on my life: I have graduated again! AND once again I’m likely not going to use my new diploma to start a career, at least not if things go my way, much to the chagrin of many who know and care about me.

Now that I’m done with school it’s time for decisions to be made, the big question I’ve been getting asked for so long now is “What am I going to do?” It seems a lot of people don’t think I know what I want to do, I myself thought that to, but more recently I began to realize it’s not that I don’t know what I want to do? It’s that I can’t decide what I want to be.

I think I’ve always known what I wanted to do, I want to help people, I want to do something that matters, I want to have an impact on people, and see their lives changed for the better.

So I do know what I want to do, that’s comforting. But like I said it’s crunch time now and the decision needs to be made: who do I want to be?

Keep in mind I am well aware that on average a person will change careers 4 times during their life but right now I’m just looking for my first one and the way I see it I have two roads to do what I want to do.

1. I can use my diploma and pursue a career in law enforcement
2. I can join staff with Athletes in Action

Guess which one I chose…nevermind you already know, but for our readers out there, I applied for staff with Athletes in Action. Why? Because although the prospect of support raising is a little bit frightening and I foresee a lot of challenges I’m not sure I’m ready for, it just feels right and I know it’s where God wants me. As I’m writing this I feel like I could elaborate more on why I chose one over the other but I feel like if I do this will end up being too long so I’m just gonna say it wasn’t an easy decision, I prayed about it a lot, doubted it a lot, but in the end I felt like working for AIA is where I feel I’m supposed to be, not only that it lines up perfectly with what I want to do in life…..so it seemed silly not to apply.

Some people don’t get it and maybe I just haven’t explained it too them well enough. It’s been a battle trying to stay on course up to this point and now that I’ve begun the process it’s even harder, so much doubt all the time, so much insecurity, awkward worry -filled glances and “why would you want to do that ?” looks. Alas, I’m trying to turn over a new leaf and not let the doubts that cloud my mind and the worries of others prevent me from doing what I really want to do.

I was reading Jeremiah yesterday and I found this very encouraging:

“Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. – Jeremiah 1:6-9

Madison, sometimes you can tell when people don’t believe in you even when they don’t say it and sometimes even you don’t believe in you, but in those moments all you need to do is believe in God and know that he believes in you, he is always with you and will always be there to rescue you. That’s really all that matters I think.

By now I feel I’ve thoroughly disjointed my do vs. be argument, hopefully people get the point I’m trying to make, hopefully all of this makes sense to somebody….I’m going to stop writing now…

Until next time.

I hate water. (but am getting baptized anyway…)

Colin Stewart! The lack of posting on this blog is shameful. I know you are finishing a degree, writing finals, etc. etc. BUT you MUST have musings?! NO?!

I have news. And musings on my news. I am getting myself dunked in the holy water. That’s right- even though I really, really hate getting wet (Swimming?! Why would you voluntarily go in water and splash around unless you were THROWN IN?!) and what’s more, I look horrible wet (this is no exaggeration, the Fai family features are not flattered when your hair hangs around your head like the brown curtains that hang limply in some government institution from the 1950′s) – I am still going to publicly, and might I add at the largest (I think) church in Calgary – get all wet and baptized.

I know we have had this discussion before. Why is baptism really necessary? Is it really necessary? I know there is theological arguments both ways, and I really don’t want to get into an argument about theology (been there, done that). I just know that at that moment, when I saw the ad in the Centre Street newsletter, I knew it had to be done.

Perhaps it was because before that moment, earlier in the service, they showed this:

(I think in my technical mental handicap, I just posted this video in a blog post below)

And earlier in the weekend, I was reading this:

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Fan-Becoming-Completely-Committed/dp/0310331935/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334874807&sr=8-1

Which made me think again of this:

“Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance” -C.S Lewis

You see, Colin Stewart. I was getting a bit lapse in my following of Jesus. I was claiming to be a Christian, or a “fan” as Kyle Idleman discusses, (see book on Amazon) however I was not really truly following Christ. Blame it on tiredness, bitterness, blahness – call it what you want. Maybe it was justified, probably not. But here’s the thing- why would I do this half-assed? (sorry mom)

It’s so easy to think that living our Christian lives with one foot in the world and the other in our bible is the norm. It’s so easy to get sucked in to the ideals that society puts forth as important. But, the more I chase them? The more empty I feel. The less I sleep, the more I’m blah, the more misery in my day.(I think the blah-ness and misery are directly linked to lack of sleep, but I digress) I will probably never “do” this Christian thing right. It’s not really in my nature. I find it hard to submit and surrender, I find it hard to love people who are unlovable. But, I really want to be a follower. A “balls to the wall” follower of Jesus.

So, in short (or maybe long). I am getting baptized to symbolize to myself (and the people watching) that I have an insatiable hunger for Christ. That there is no substitution for the life He offers, the peace that I get when I know that He is pleased with me. I’ve tried other paths and they don’t work. If I’m going to do this, I have to do it right.

Be prepared. May 13th. There is going to be one scary looking Madison Fai over at Centre Street Church. I’d suggest bringing your camera as the likelihood of me ever being wet in public again is extremely slim.

Your Impact on Strangers

Life is Beautiful?

Colin Stewart!  I  miss you.  I find myself in need of a Colin Stewart walk. Given that its spring I would prefer said walk be outside, however even a mall walk would do today.

I have been thinking about life lately (surprise! Is it a big shocker that I was thinking?! haha) Beyond the fact that I was thinking about life, I more specifically was thinking about the way that life gets away from us. About whether or not, amidst the daily grime, if life really is beautiful, like that stupid song. I was thinking about the moments that escape us, the time we spend wishing time would go faster, or slower, the way we spend our time… I guess I was, in a nutshell, thinking about how death is actually imminent and always looming on the horizon. I do not make a practice of being overly morbid, I started thinking this way at the beginning of the week when it became apparent that my Grandma may not have so much life left. It’s funny that it takes someone dying for me to realize how we are all dying. Death is the only thing that is 100% in our lifetime.  How sad.

I have no profound thoughts on death at all. I have no musings. I just have to say one thing.  I am currently oscillating between feeling so incredibly grateful that our lives do not end at the grave, as well as being so profoundly sad at the same time for all the moments that I let pass me by without savoring them.

It’s timely that I am again reminded of this with the significance of the upcoming weekend. Because of this weekend, I am promised eternal life, I have a best friend who walks with me all the time, who knows me better than I could ever know myself and understands me. JC? He really GETS me. He gave up his life for me and in a small gesture that could never measure up.. I sorta gave up my life for him. Sometimes I go a few days without talking to him but its okay, we always get back on track. We just “do life” together.

I also want to work on savoring moments. Enjoying them. Not always looking forward to the next thing to check off my to do list. Just living in the present.

 

So I guess. Life IS beautiful.  I just don’t want to wait until my last breath to have enjoyed it more.  Colin Stewart – I’m going to work on being more thankful, living in the moment, enjoying the small things, being appreciative, showing love. I want to do everything I can with whatever time I’ve been given.

Until I forget about this in about 3 days and need to remind myself all over again. ( This will inevitably happen- it always does.)

I find your lack of faith disturbing…

“I find your lack of faith disturbing”, that’s what Darth Vader said to Admiral Motti while using the force to choke the life out of him for getting all up in his grill in the first Star Wars movie (based on theatrical release not chronolgical order). If Jesus had really wanted to he probably could have gone Vader on the disciples many times, but luckily cooler heads prevailed and instead he simply resorted to insulting them by saying they didn’t have faith as small as a mustard seed.

Madison Fai! I’ve been thinking about faith a lot lately. A couple weeks ago I watched a sermon from Mosaic by Hank fortener called “Here I Stand: Faith”, it’s one of the best sermons I’ve ever heard. Basically he talks about Matthew 17:14-20 and how Jesus says that if we only had faith as small as a mustard seed “NOTHING WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU”.

I’ve been struck by that line ever since: “nothing will be impossible for you”. It’s hard to even imagine nothing being impossible, and while I’m sure this can’t be taken to the extreme of literality (is that a word? first thought: no) I’m realizing thats what faith is: believing that God will show up to help you achieve what might seem impossible.

I’ve realized lately the differentiation between “belief” and “faith” as it pertains to my life. Til now I think that I mostly just had belief, I believe God exists, I believe that Jesus died for my sins and by accepting him into my life that I was saved and all that good stuff. But I’ve discovered that unlike belief which is pretty general, faith is situational. Faith is trusting God’s faithfulness in the moment. That’s what I think anyways.

Hank says it better when he talks about faith in the context of spiritual maturity:

We ought to begin measuring spiritual maturity by what it takes to stop a person of faith from achieving what they believe that God has set inside their life to achieve. That there is something powerful and unbelievable that God wants to do in your life and he’s waiting for you to ask for and move towards it.

I just think it’s crazy sometimes when I look back at how many things I wanted but never started or never tried to do, and never asked for because I either thought or was convinced into believing that it wouldn’t work out,  it was unrealistic, I wasn’t the right fit….the list of excuses goes on and on.

But Jesus says “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed…Nothing will be impossible for you.”

So I think the moral of the story is:

1. Dream big
2. Ask
3. Continually trust God in all your pursuits

Thoughts? Questions? Concerns?

I Can’t Get No..Satisfaction

Colin Stewart!

You always add such lovely videos and such to the blog. I am not only technologically impaired..but on most days, I am also mentally impaired. So that will not be happening. It has been SO long since either of us blogged, but life is speeding by, as always – and I just haven’t had any time, or brain space to blog. Until last night.

Last night, I was bemoaning having to get up early to come in and sub. I feel tired, not just bodily tired, but mentally exhausted. I’ve had a two week stint at a local Junior High and even though I love love love the students, I do not love love love the fact that at 3:45pm everyday that I’ve been here, I feel like crawling into bed. I also feel like by the end of the day, I couldn’t string a sentence together to save my life (hence the fact that I’m blogging in the morning during my prep).

While laying in bed last night, I was thinking about how, if anyone asked me – I would explain that lack of satisfaction is the number one reason that I think there is a God. I know there are a million reasons as to why I believe, but last night I was thinking about the lack of satisfaction the things of this world bring. I know, I know, I’ve mentioned this before. I’ve blogged about this before. I just think it’s such an amazing concept – it’s worth blogging about again.

For so long, I wanted to move to Calgary. I just wanted to get out of Edmonton. I did. Now, when the days are long – I muse with friends about picking up and going to Houston, or Austrailia, or whereever. Anywhere. But. Here.

For so long, I wanted to get out of the Private teaching job I was at, and onto Calgary Public, now- here I am. And here I am, wishing I could just sleep in.

Apparently? I am never satisfied. I am pretty sure this is also the case for about 95% of the population. (I’m assuming somebody somewhere is satisfied with life? Or at least thinks they are. They probably aren’t though)

This is why I am sure there is a God. Because I’m learning that I am never satisfied with the stuff that society tells me I’ll be satisfied with. I always want more, more sleep, more lulu, more coffee, more pairs of boots, the hope of more long term sub jobs, more km’s tacked onto my run. More. More. More. More. It reminds me that all I should want is JC to make more of a difference in my life, so I can make MORE of a difference in the lives of others. That should be my primary focus. AND I am so glad that at the end of the day, when I’m grumbling, I remember that I have a different purpose then simply fitting into this world. I’ve gotta show love to people.

So today. When all I want to do is go back to bed. When I want to grumble about being here, teaching 6 classes of English and Social to kids full of hormones and energy. I want to remember that to be truly satisfied – I should just focus on being a little more heaven on earth.

Colin Stewart- that is all. Brace yourself for about 100203943788234 more blog posts on how I have to learn that nothing in this world satisfies. I do not learn lessons easily.

Proverbial Insights

Madison Fai!

Recently in a bid to become a wiser person I’ve begun to read Proverbs, which is by far my favorite book of the bible because everything sounds so cool and cryptic.

Which brings me to today, I’m reading Proverbs 12 and the first verse smacks me right in the face:

“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid.” –Proverbs 12:1

First thought: I can be stupid, sometimes really stupid. Unlike you discipline is not my strong suit and even though you may have a tendency to take it to the extreme, I think it’s an admirable quality. Anyways, on a side note, I enjoyed your blog today and good for you for recognizing the need to give up control and pursue the freedom that God has for you.

Okay, back to me. I hate discipline, I don’t know why… because it’s hard and no fun? Probably. It’s just easier to do what you want in the moment and worry about the consequences later.

I feel like this passage represents what I’ve been learning lately. See, I often lament the fact that I’m not where I want to be or who I want to be. I want to grow as a person, as a Christian, I want to become more like Jesus. That was one of the goals I wrote down at the beginning of last semester “to become more Christ-like in character”.

It has occurred to me that change requires a higher level of understanding, understanding requires an increase in knowledge, knowledge involves correction, and in order to make a permanent correction you need to be disciplined. Is that right? I think so.

Anyways I’ve come to accept that in my pursuit of wisdom and “Christ-likeness” I’m going to need to exercise more discipline in my life and I’m going to have to be more open to the corrections that God wants to make in my life, otherwise I’ll never get anywhere.

I know that since God’s a good guy I can trust him to help me out with this. Phil 4:13 right? Right?…

I will let you know how it works out.

Also I have a new favorite song. I heard it on Saturday when Ben Henderson used it as his walk-in track for UFC 144 enroute to winning the UFC Lightweight Championship….You could probably care less about that but anyways it’s a good tune by some Christian rapper I’ve never heard of before named R-Swift and i thought it might make a good running song for you.